hi dad.

i do not know where to even start.

it has been awhile since we last talked. sorry about that.  school is in full force, kicking my ass. i’ve reduced my hours at dillons greatly so i have been getting that side hustle bustle going. when i talk to people who knew you, dad, they always tell me how hard of a worker you were. i see where my work ethic came from. does that make you proud?

i have been wanting to write to you for awhile, but i always found an excuse. tonight is the night, so forgive me if it’s all a clusterfuck.

the depression we share(d) has moved in and made itself at home. it is like a morning mist, covering everything i own. i feel stuck, so alien to everyone around me, really awful. Sometimes I am able to put on a brave face, but sometimes i wallow. drown. smother. there is a pit in my very core. it suffocates everything i hold dear. during these dark times, it takes most of my energy reserves to go to work and put on a front. i imagine you did the same. you put on a great show for us. i never suspected anything was wrong. oh, how i wish i could give you a hug. i am truly your daughter.

dad, i was raped. back in may. i am sorry i did not tell you sooner. he was someone i invited over, casual dating partner, and shit got bad. honestly, there was moments where i thought where i was going to die. looking in his eyes, i saw pure malicious intentions while he was strangling me between me telling him “no” “stop” “red.” the ball is still in the DA’s court. i do not know what will happen. i have a great support network who held me up during this time. i get triggered sometimes. i have urges to run away. i seek your protection during these times. how i wish i could find it.

papa’s death really fucked me up, dad. i keep remembering crying over Papa and holding his hand before they closed his casket for eternity. how it brings me back to when i touched your forehead at your service. i wish i held your hand. i love you so and miss you even more.

i feel like an astronaut who has been disconnected from her spaceship. i am aimlessly floating around in the final frontier, space. i have no purpose, no intention, no path. there is no predetermined future.  i am figuring out how to sustain. Losing the Laino patriarch signaled a end of an era for me(us). i am truly on my own now. shit is getting real. and i have no idea what i am doing.

mom texted me today. she told me that she’s been in a program & clean for 6 months. parts of me want nothing to do with her. my therapist and i discussed the possibility of her being a narcissist. she made her choices after your death that have poorly impacted on me to this day. i wish she would just go away. she does not deserve to know me, her great offspring.

the other parts of me? oh god, i have so many questions! you and her were so intertwined, always finding your way back to one another. she has in depth knowledge about the man i want the most- you. also, a daughter would be lying if she did not want anything to do with her mommy. she is someone i have so desired a relationship from, and that hurts me to admit it.

i have been getting to know a VERY safe and grounding man, very casually, since april-ish. we will call him bond. bond is a father himself. his pure admiration and fierce protection of his children is fucking amazing. it reminds me of the love you had for us. i miss you, jack douglas. i do not think that will ever stop. i will keep on loving you until i join you in that eternity.

even though the depression has made home in my being, i know one day there will be more good days than bad days. i have come to equate healing as something that happens continuously. some waves are rougher than the others.

i hold out hope, dad, that one day these blog posts will be regular and less depressing.

xoxo,

your daughter