hi dad.

do you remember the doctor? yeah, he is pretty rad. he is actually a doctor which makes his nickname even cooler.

last night, i was petrified to make the wrong decision when it came to him. i wanted to make the doctor happy, but i ended up frozen indecision, unable to act. i wanted to surprise him, but it just blew up in my face when it was discovered. then i could not explain myself. i sat there. stuck. horrified. a record skipping. i could not words, but words were jumbling out. words i did not want. instead of flight or fight, i was frozen. i could not stop, stop, stop. oh, so did it hurt.

today was spent vomiting and sick, but it was monday and that means therapy. i am proud that i went today, even though i wanted to hid in the mess of covers and blankets forever. i am on a path to greatness. greatness is a result of wellness.

during that therapy today, we revisited when i first time felt petrified. we are slowly healing the inner child.

oh jack douglas.

something happened to me. at eight. with ismael. something that really changed me.

i wanted to go home, but i could not go home. or so i felt i could not go home. i wanted to go fucking home and i fucking wanted him off of me. i wanted to scream. i wanted to cry. i wanted you and mom. i wanted the world to stop. but i couldn’t I couldn’t I couldn’t.

mom would have questioned why i was home. i did not want to make you mad. i did not want mom to worry. older brother was friends with him and his friends. little brother would have not been allowed back over there. he really liked hanging out there. i had a crush on ismael. maybe i asked for it. goddamn it i was eight and he was sixteen. 

dad, i screamed and cried the tears today that i needed to 14 years ago. i am freed from my primal deep freeze. relived. enlightened. justified.

in therapy, we visit what conclusions i made during those events and what behaviors came from those conclusions.

they were not effective ones.

we make new ones because we are empowered boss bitches. my trauma shall have no negative effect on my current life and wellness.

new conclusions: i am capable of making my own decisions. i am unapologetically the captain of my own fate and the captain of my own soul AND i am pretty damn important.

new behaviors: i will take a moment and bring up my wise adult when feeling indecisive. i will face confrontation with confidence. i will communicate. i will LOVE myself. i will put myself first. i will save myself. i will steer my own ship.

like the beautiful mr. spock says, change is the essential process of all existence.

love you always dad

xoxo,

your daughter.