hey there jug.

i danced with our old friend, suicidal ideation, sunday night.

i hadn’t danced with it since probably May 2018.

i can’t narrow down the trigger to a certain thing, but i had total agony living in my chest.

i felt like i was being crushed from within.

this battle was not in vain, however.

revelations came to me.

the magnitude of the pain i hold on my shoulders and in my being is so heavy.  so so so so so so so so so heavy. if someone has never dealt with  it, it is impossible for them to understand how crippling it is.

these shared demons trick us and tell us that we are nothing. they convince with lies and pain. we start to believe we are a waste and resulted to nothing. we are better off dead. we are unlovable; existence is pain; there is no point fighting; give up.

dad, you acted on those false prophecies.

i am breaking that cycle.

when i did a survey of how to end my life, each of the lethal ways absolutely mortified me.

i learned this that night:

i certainly and most definitely want to live.

i am something and someone. i am full of love and light. i love and loved. i learned life lessons with so many to come. it has been a long, sometimes tough, journey, but i have spent this journey continuing to smile, experience, grow, laugh, learn, and LIVE.

i am special just the way i am. no if, ands, or buts. no conditions. no excuses. no footnotes. 

i am following up with my PCP and therapist, dad. thanks for asking.

i successfully fought our terrorists and GOT THEM for the first time in my young, blossoming life.

xoxo,

your well daughter