hi again dad,

in all the grief books given to me at age 9 in the wake of your loss, dad, none of them mentioned how i will walk a tightrope with codependency with the male gender. sometimes even the female gender.

well, to be fair, i guess really it is:

part your death.

part personality disorder.

a lot of little to no self esteem.

i am back in the dating pool. i have been for awhile now, but this time i am taking it with fresh eyes.

at first, i was confused and off-put by how distant they act. 

jokes on me.

IT’S NORMAL AND GOOD that everyone is going slow.

i am so used to fireworks and being swept off my feet. i am so used to going 0 to 100.

that’s not how it goes.

this is the aspect of my life i can make the most improvements.

slow and steady. slow and steady. slow and steady.

we will walk into something slow, eyes open, making conscious decisions. my next relationship will be strong and durable because it was built with patience and kindness.

~*~

i ended things with bond. i am looking for something far more serious then he is. i do not want to end up resenting him or taint the memory of all the good we had with my bpd venom.

i hope we can still be friends after i heal a bit more, because i do enjoy him a lot as a human being.

plus, i want to go camping and backpacking and he is excellent at dealing with my whining.

i told a friend of mine who’s dealing with her own recovery- she met bond- and she gave me a big hug and started to cry. she said that I am goals. that I did that for myself.  it was hard, but I still did it for me. 

click.

one day i will be able to take her compliments, but she was right about one thing.

it was one of the hardest things i did consciously, dad. 

but i did it for me.

xoxo,

your daughter