tw: self harm, suicidal ideation, cutting

only read if you have the spoons/emotional energy to do so. 

i love you and want you to be okay.

i was satisfied with my care. he was an excellent nurse. he was diligent and smart. he predicted my needs. he made the evening medication distribution an ease.

i was sitting about a foot away from him. i could touch him if i wanted to. i could certainly grab whatever he set down at this distance. with ease.

he was using scissors to cut open our medication packets. they were real scissors. sharp scissors. i don’t even know if they were allowed on the unit. no other nurse used scissors.

he set those scissors down and turned his back to grab something.

my arm twitched towards them. and they began.

my arm stayed put, but my mind did not.

grab those scissors and rip open your arm.

hurt yourself like you hurt others.

bleed.

these are the intrusive thoughts i suffer from.

~*~

we were at dinner, or maybe it was lunch.

i loved the staff in the cafeteria. i like to eat, so they were my people. always were efficient and fast. except for this time when they ran out of the main entree mid rush.

i was next in line. she made eye contact with me and told me she would be right back. she took out the empty pan, exposing the very hot water underneath the warmer. there was steam and little bubbles. inviting me in. there was a break in the sneeze guard separating me from this instrument of harm.

those thoughts entered again.

i could have slipped my hand in.

put your hand in that. burn your flesh.

make yourself pay. you are bad.

hurt.

these thoughts are foreign. they are unwanted. they come fast and haunt me the rest of the day.

why would i think that?

you hurt those you love.

you suck.

i used to act on them in middle school. often. usually in the form of cutting or purging. i grew out of that after my first hospitalization in 2009.

i did acted on them in 2015. because of that, i still have faint scars on my legs.

i have not self harmed since then, but i do not admit that i used to do it.  i actually lie to them.

i am not one of THOSE people.

but i am.

these thoughts haunt me.

~*~

in the present moment, i am safe and replacing those intrusive thoughts with effective coping mechanisms.

ones that will last my entire life.

ones that will be effective.

ones that will be adaptable.

it’s a journey.

thanks for listening.

xoxo,

your author