i wrote this for the doctor some time ago.

i never shared it with him. 

mr retracted-

i arrive in a whirlwind of EVERYTHING. chaotic neutral. sometimes because of my own loud fanfare and trumpets, i rush to hasty decisions and conclusions. because of those rushed interpretations, i often am on the defense. that hasn’t bothered you at all.

you are amazing for that.

i love how you handle the hurricane that is my existence when you are present. you truly are a friend and an ally with the patience of a saint.

thank you for that.

thank you for understanding my essence and not afraid of the raw material that is my soul. i am working on honing who and what i am. you have done your very best to advise, guide, and shape when i have desired you to do so.

you have always been aware of your undue influence and showed restraint.

i appreciate you for always coming from a place of understanding. you never assumed foul intentions. so many have assumed.

you recognized and legitimized the humanity in the darkest parts of my soul that came out during our time together. our time together was unrelatedly during some of the darkest in my life. 

you are at the place in your life where you can not accommodate what I desire, and that is okay. maybe you do not even want to, and that is okay too.

i cannot assume your intentions or motivations.

however, i do know mine.

i do not want to grow to resent you or what we had. what you have taught me. what we have shared. the magic i felt. even if one sided.

if i continue to excuse the minimal effort you put into our relationship, i will resent you.

i feel the seeds being planted at this very moment. i feel the record player starting. i am already suppressing primal thoughts that are almost automatic with the accompanying fears that feeds on my low self esteem.  

i want, need, and deserve someone who is more present in my day-to-day life. 

i deserve my frequently of communication to be reciprocated.

i deserve to get who i want.

if we’re ever at the same point in life where we desire the same things from a relationship, i can think of nobody else who i’d like more as my number one.

retracted, I have been… and always shall be… your friend.

live long and prosper.

xoxo

the captain speaking