this is an open letter for you. 

i was compliant in your abuse. 

i am so sorry. 

you have inherent worth. 

you know what needs to be done. 

you have endured since your conception. 

stoic. pertinacious. tenacious. 

these words describe you, along with being

caring, compassionate, and kind. 

as our friend mister rogers says,

you are a very special person. 

there is only one like you in the whole world. 

there’s never been anyone exactly like you before, 

and there will never be again. 

only you. 

and people can like you exactly 

as you are.

i did not like you exactly as you were.

i was jealous of you. 

i wanted to destroy your shine because 

i thought it would take away from my share of the mediocre meaning

in our lives. 

countless hours of therapy has shown me that 

you were not the problem. 

the ordinary con man from brooklyn was. 

i hurt you with my words. 

i hurt you with my actions. 

i thrived on the conflict i caused

in order to try to solidify the number one position. 

i am so sorry. 

i am so sorry. 

i am so sorry. 

i was a pawn in a greater psychological warfare scheme.

however, i should have never treated a fellow human like i did.

we were never in competition for a pile of shit.

you just wanted a family to call your own.

i look back on our pleasant memories with a smile 

because 

you deserve the love you seek. 

you deserve good things done for you without strings. 

you deserve emotional stability. 

you deserve kindness. 

you deserve silence not weaponized. 

you deserve to be an active choice to be picked over and over again. 

you deserve to thrive.  

even with every obstacle in your way, 

you have achieved your lifelong dream of becoming a nurse. 

CONGRATULATIONS! 

you have earned EVERY bit of this success.

you. yourself. just elaine. 

nobody else but you. 

you did this yourself. 

just you. 

one day, you will leave. 

we will get together. 

all of us. 

healing and thriving. 

empowered. 

qt will bring baked goods. 

i will bring chocolate. 

a family of survivors.

that day will be glorious.