I am exploring some really triggering stuff here. Please proceed with caution if you are easily bothered by suicidal ideation. 

I AM SAFE. 

this is a recap of past thoughts– stuff i have struggled with since birth it seems like. 

nothing has been right today. 

i had such high hopes for it. 

today was going to be the day. 

the day i made it. i beat this. i became better and not me anymore. 

today was supposed to save me. 

yesterday, i got nothing done. just laying in my filth.

just like papa told me once. that always has stuck with me. 

i am too exhausted to cry. I cannot get out of bed. i am sure if i was on fire, i would just stay put and let it consume my fat flesh. 

how long has it been this time? month two?

i can’t mask it anymore.

it’s like a heavy elephant is sitting on my chest. his best friend taking a piggyback ride on him and it is an intense wave of guilt because some people ACTUALLY have something physically wrong with them. i am such a bad person for not taking advantage of my healthy body. 

god i smell awful. when is the last time i showered? brushed my teeth? just be normal. a homeless person cares more about their body then I do. 

maybe the kids wouldn’t be too sad if i was gone. would myles even notice? 

you piece of shit, you never got over your dad’s suicide. how dare I think that way. I am selfish self-absorbed asshole. maybe the world would benefit from my death. 

myles meows– i am a horrible cat mother. i am worthless. and i dare to hope for children? 

maybe i SHOULD kill myself. i am a bad daughter. sister. granddaughter. terrible friend. how long have you been trying to get better? 

it is hopeless. 

i am hopeless.

~*~

dad, 

I know you did not understand the severity of the action you took, because you were sick. 

like i am. 

i will fight for the rest of my life with this. 

i will reign supreme by dying surrounded by my loving children, grandchildren, and hopefully great-grandchildren. i will die fulfilled by the life Tom and I BUILT and by the love we loved. i will die with the knowledge of Tom, Myles Matheson, and all those who went before me will be waiting to welcome me home. i will die with the knowledge that I lived the Good life, finished the race, and kept the faith. 

not in desperation, alone in a cold bathroom, and due to our shared illness. 

i miss you terribly. there is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss you and Papa. He was not perfect and he hurt us deeply, but he was stitched together by his good intentions. 

i am getting better, abit slowly, everyday.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33.

xoxo, 

your daughter